ups & downs

it was my birthday last saturday....I passed mid-twenties (gosh I am old).... T & I had plans to watch a show that night..something we had both been looking forward to....but as usual things were looking shaky in terms of him getting off work....I told T not to worry and not to stress and that it'd be good if he could make it but if not, there's nothing that can be done....he said he'd try his best and I believed him.
T took the whole day off work on my birthday....we went to a fair....went for dinner...then went to our show...he also bought me a beautiful gift which was a complete surprise. T really spoilt me


This week has been horrible....I haven't been able to sleep...I haven't been able to get back into work and study mode since my long weekend and enjoyable birthday weekend....and I am also starting to feel really lost of any real direction in my life in any aspect.

Ive been missing all of T's calls last night because I go and sleep downstairs and sleep through his calls...because I am not getting any sleep upstairs on my own....and every morning I wake up feeling annoyed that I didn't get to talk to him.... I haven't seen too much of T ...a bit here and there but not much....

I feel as though theres a bit of a distance between us this week and I Can't really figure out why...perhaps its just because T is really stressed again and his hours are getting crazy....he tends to shut me off at these times because he wants to focus on just one thing....

Aside from my career and lack of direction in this aspect....I am also very uncertain as to what the future holds for T and myself....it's been 3.5 years and marriage is still referred to as an "if" thing....I guess no one really knows what's going to happen in a few years, let alone tomorrow....but something about this uncertainty makes me feel anxious....
I know T loves me...I know he doesn't want to be with anyone else... but he doesn't seem ready or even ready to discuss anything....
Either that or I just haven't asked him what our plan is and what our timeframe is and if we can compromise on something.....but how can I ask when he is so slammed with work that he barely texts me to check in....